WARNING:
Reading Inside the Fantasy is highly addictive. It may cause stress, a loss of time, a resentment towards friends or colleagues and a dislike for Fantasy in general. Please enter Inside the Fantasy at your own risk….
2024, a year of the future, where a champion is destined to be crowned, showered with gold, frankincense, and myrrh (Just give me the gold), and admired for countless centuries with future generations invoking thy name, while committing dreadful atrocities. Immortality has a price, one that twelve souls are destined to pay. God will favor only one to sit at his right hand, and then judge the fuck out of the others.
So HERE we are, fleshy containers of immortal energy, at the cusp of the 2023-2024 Liga season, looking back at what thou hast happened before, to judge the future, and bring about an apocalyptic revelation! What name shall God whisper into my mind, to sit on top of the make-believe Mountain? (Hearing voices is normal, right?) It is I, you’re humble servant, The Special One, who will sacrifice this lamb, rip out its entrails, study it, then determine the fates of the willing. Let us journey Inside the Fantasy!!!
Let’s start this Preview off by dividing everybody up into units:
D-squad: The D stands for Devil, and these are the tortured souls destined to find themselves at the bottom…in Hell.
Rookiemistakes: The name says it all…Rookie…mistakes…If I had to add anything to the name it would be free money. Rookiemistakesfreemoney is a solid name that truly says it all. The only thing that the Special One knows about him is that he is friends with Jeff, so not a good start. There is suspicion around the Liga that Rookiemistakes is actual a phantom Hater’s team, that this is just Jeff. Collusion if you will (Thanks Tony!). That cant be right? What’s his name? Justin Johnson! That sounds made up. Anyways, if “Jeff’s friend” is an actual person, welcome to Liga! You’re about to be destroyed.
My Holjund cheaper: God love him…really…please do. Love him as much as we do here at Liga. When Special One sees that he’s playing Mgr. Ostrander the next gameweek, he immediately thinks of two things. One, he can save a transfer. Two, OR, he can make four transfers (THAT’S THE LIMIT ROOKIEMISTAKES). Either choice, God is granting the W.
Car Ramrod: Hasn’t this car suffered enough damage? Who is the poor mechanic that has to work on this car, week in and week out, just to keep it drivable? Mgr. Cooper’s team is like the guy who drives on the spare doughnut tire indefinitely. Sure, you get from point A to B, but the race is already over. Imagine winning 1st prize this year, $800.00 smackeroos…After eight seasons with this junker, you’d break even.
Pooponastick: That’s right, you are reading this correctly. Every fucking year, we wait for the return of the prodigal son. And every year, that soup goes cold. Yes, during the Kenwick days, he was sensational, but “Larry bird is not walking through that door.” Once Liga formed, its been Mgr. Rich that has been formless. The first few years of Liga were very shaky years for poop. He ghosted in two of them, but might as well have ghosted in all of them, cause he played like somebody who had died. Last year, the hype was real, only to disappear like a fart in the wind. I’ll leave another bowl of soup out for this turd, but I expect Poop to have his lunch eaten again.
The Disciples: These teams are followers of Liga, maybe invited to the last supper, but ultimately do not get the last piece of chicken, and will ultimately be crucified anyways.
TBD: The last of the legendary Sardar brothers. Will he be able to carry on his family’s name? No. Will he be able to make a name for himself alone? To Be Decided. Actually…you know what…let me read the entrails of this lamb carcass…don’t want a good carcass to go to waste…let me get in here…this is gross…fuck my glove has a hole in it….is that even an organ….why does the inside of this thing stink so bad?…oh I see now…interesting….that makes sense…okay I got it…let me just wash my hands here…gross…And NO!
Onana in the Highest: I’d love to put Mgr. Vance higher up the list, but I can’t, cause there is nothing in the historical records to support doing so. His team reminds me of Bartholmew. Who is Bartholmew you ask? (Come on guys, read your Bible, can’t you see I’ve got a theme here) Well, he was a disciple of Jesus. That’s it, that’s all we really know about him in the bible, he was there for stuff, saw Jesus moon walk across the water, and yeah. Onana in the highest is Bartholmew. He’s there.
Red Cards: Special One has racked his brain about Mgr. Tony’s team name for years. Why does he call his team the Red Cards? Finally, Special One figured it out. It’s cause he’s always playing down a man, or, two, or three. Don’t get me wrong, he’s playing his heart out, but eventually he is overwhelmed by the numbers, and is shown the door. If you’re a betting man (Tony certainly is), I would like to issue you a yellow card before placing any money on this team.
Onana What’s My Name: SHOCKER!!!! That’s right, every pre-seasons analysts’ pick to win it all, and the Special One has him ranked here. For all you American Football fans out there, Mgr. Cain is the equivalent of the Bills. First, he doesn’t read this article (only three of you do), so I am not going to make him the favorite. Second, he never wins. Yeah, incredible year last year, but still no trophies. The Wiz is put on this earth for one thing only, to serve as an agent of chaos. He’s been torturing Liga Managers for years (most notable Haters) with his sneaky moves, calculations that take into considerations the flap of a butterfly’s wing. He will drop many to their knees, but he will never rise off his to take the crown
The Four Horseman: AKA The Banner Boys. One of these degenerates will wear the crown at the end. And yes, it will be a crown of thorns
MLS Fantasy: Fuck you Brian. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. Take my money. Seriously, I love you but Fuck. Can you stop winning every god damn year. Last year, wasn’t even close to your best performance, and god damn it, fuck. I hope you’re saving all this money for your kids college fund, so we can all take solace in that. But god damn it, don’t you win it this year, or I’ll..I’ll rant even more about it next year. Stop. Let some others have some fucking Pie!
The Special One: Another year, another banner. As the Special One reflects on his last article from 2020, he notices that he had bannered 3 out 4 of the first four years of Liga. Last year, another Banner to add to a crowded rafter. But what is not crowded?… his wallet. Some say a Banner is a banner, and that the Special One should be proud. But some banners come with $800 dollars, and Scott’s cheap flights has tickets to Spain for as low as $400, and Special One wants to go to Spain, not to fictional rafter location in his head. Seriously, Special One will go to Spain with the title’s winnings. If he comes up short again, then its Malibu jacks for some reflection. (Laser Tag!)
Oboyle Rules: Mgr. Boyle, a favorite? This may be the Special Ones most controversial pick. A few years back, Mark had possibly, the greatest season of all time. He was like Noah, made all the right moves, built him a big fucking boat, and laughed while the world was destroyed beneath the wake of his team. (He finished 195 out of 10,000,000, incredible). He was not template, and the masses loved him for it. Was it Luck? You bet your ass it was…is what people are starting to say now, as his maverick moves have looked pedestrian over the last few years. However, Special One recognizes talent, and is tipping his hat to Mark’s team this year (No Kane, god he loved Kane). If this horseman doesn’t ride this year, then its back to Hell!
It’s quoted in the bible, Revelations: Behold the pale horse. The man who sat on him was death, and Hell followed with him.
Haters Gonna Hate:
“Strike me down with all of your hatred and your journey towards the dark side will be complete! Let the hate flow through you!” -Emperor Palpatine
In order for there to be good, evil must exist. Therefore, Evil is good. We don’t need to go into the history of it all (please God, don’t get him started! I’ll shut down the thread) But seeing this man rise from the ashes of like a 1-12 start or something stupid like that, to threatening to banner last year, was impressive. I think that he turned it all around cause he learned to channel his Hate, not through outrageous statements of grandeur gaslighting our beloved fantasy thread, not by running off our beloved Ken Fletcher with his antics, not by splitting the Liga in two, not by…pause…I said I was not going to into the history. Haters learned to Self Hate! He looked into the mirror, and he did not like the reflection. The Hate he created made him the most chipped man in Liga history. And he took it like a fucking champ! Pressed on SILENTLY (please remember this), to prove the Haters wrong. If he fails, he will have to live with that reflection. It is written….
Recapping: Our Preseason Rankings
- Haters Gonna Hate
- O’Boyle Rules
- The Special One
- MLS Fantasy Champ
- Onana What’s My Name
- Red Cards
- Onana in the Highest
- TBD
- Pooponastick
- Car Ramrod
- My Holjund Cheaper
- Rookiemistakes
Good Luck this year Gentleman! For thine is the kingdom, the glory, the power, forever…Amen
bluegrass superliga 