“And the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found fantasy favor with the Gods. And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a $pecial son, and you shall name him Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High Score. And the Lord God will give to him the throne of David Beckham, and he will reign over Liga forever, and of his kingdom there will be no end.” (Salah 1:30-33)

In the year 0, a humble $pecial one was born a manager, a Shepard of men, destined to lead his flock of sycophants to be slaughtered on the alter of Liga. The smell of bad blood is pleasing to the Fantasy Gods.  Many have stood before the Gods, only to be judged unworthy, tossed into the fiery abyss of beer ligas, and silent text threads.  

But be it a phantom penalty, a 59th minute substitution, or a deflected assist, ten mortal men beseech the gods to grant them favor and smite their haters.  Only one will receive the gods blessings, rising up into the pathogen of immortals, and blinged out with a golden bracelet.  So sinners repent! For the hour is nigh, to play those chips on Jeff and go Inside the Fantasy!!!

HOLY WAR

As y’all know, Inside the fantasy had its 10th anniversary recently.  It was August 13th (if you forgot to mark your calendar). No worries, the mail is slow these days, will probably receive y’all’s congratulating texts any day now.  Anyways,

Reflecting back on Liga’s first decade, it has been Inside the Fantasy’s great honor to be Liga’s guardian of truth.  No matter what, honest, ground level EPL Fantasy  journalism has been at the core of every issue.  

Each year, even if it dinged the old ego, Inside the Fantasy faithfully delivered objective assessments of who could win the bracelet. The first ranking had Diego Rich at #1.  Yikes!  Those highlights can only be found on DVD!  As the years passed, favorites emerged from our collective history, like Downing Young Boys (Ligas beloved prodigal son) and OBoyle rules (Liga’s here every year son).  Even Liga’s greatest villain, the anti-Christ himself, Haters gonna Hate topped the Inside the Fantasy Rankings. Hell Tony made his first appearance in the rankings at #9 back in 2015. He’s been slowly climbing the top 10 ever since (mostly because Liga has drastically shrunk). He appeared as high as sixth in 2023.  

This may be a bit of a shocker, but the GOAT has never topped rankings. (SPOILER ALERT, he ain’t topping them this year either).  

Sometimes, The truth can be hard…and the truth can be ugly and not easy to face. And the truth is…Brian is the greatest Points champion of all time. And that’s great.  You can always depend on him to make the right move to maximize points over the long hall, and again that’s greater. But what about planning for your opponents? What about contorting your team in ways to win at any cost in short term, while hustling to make it up in the markets after your fifth straight double transfer?  Taking a risky cap, to get a rewarding win? 

Go ask Brian! Go ask him right now, “Hey Brian, who you playing in Liga this week?” We all know he doesn’t know or care, which makes him the greatest of all time…if this was a points liga.  

The truth is… Liga is a Head To Head Liga.  To deny that is to deny reality. Flipping through Inside the Fantasy’s catalogue of integrity, there is only one narrative that can be spun…only one truth that is universal…That truth is… The $pecial one, baptized anew as Fantasy Jesus…is the Greatest Head to Head Champion of all time. Period. No reasonable argument can be made. “But I lost my Liverpool D on a chip that didn’t affect the outcome.” Sorry, in a head to head liga, you’re terrible.  

“But I saved my chips for the last gameweeks to maximize my world rank.” Super idea in a points liga, makes absolutely no sense in a head to head liga. If Jesus feels like his opponent has the edge, Jesus dont give a fuck, and will let that chip fly any given gameweek. You should be honored when Jesus chips you this year.  You’ll be secure in knowing that Jesus thought you had the edge. Keyword was “had” because Jesus chipped the edge right from you. And you should have seen it coming, but you didn’t, because you’re playing the long game in a week to week to struggle.  Jesus plays modern game, and the rest of you lost souls, are playing like grandpa taught you. 

And you fuckers chipped the fuck out of Jesus last year. Fuck. That.  That shit was annoying. Then to hear all that crying, and hate thrown Jesus’ way. Blasphemy. After all them fucking chips y’all thrown my way. Judgment day is upon you. But seriously, Fuck yall, this is holy war, Jesus about to sodom and Gomorrah liga to the fucking ground!!!

And now the predictions…

Lambs to the Slaughter

The fantasy Gods have an unquenchable thirst for blood, and $100.  Every year, victims eh, tributes must be found to fill the ranks of the previous years blood letting.  Last year, Liga sacrificed one of its most infamous members, Pooponastick.  And who do we get to replace the Ghost with the Most…Randall Fucking Herrington?  Okay, hold him down, strap him to the alter, God aint staying any knifes here.  While were at it, lets get a few more lined up, and their Venmos secured now before we have to chase them down…

SC Samba FC:  When Jesus heard that Jeff’s niece’s boyfriend was going to replace Diego, Jesus was like, “no way Jose.”  Then to hear his name was actually Jose, it made sense, Liga needs a little diversity, especially after losing our only diversity. When Jose got tossed out, and replaced by Randy, Jesus realized that we were truly living in Trump’s America.  “We’ll just have Americans fill these roles.”  Yeah well Randy don’t know shit about soccer, and our work product is going to suffer.     

HerrBoss:  Moving away from the political undertones of growing facism in our country, Jesus turns to HerrBoss.  Is this Justin’s forth year in Liga?  Does anybody know?  Wasn’t he Rookie Mistakes for a few years?  Shouldn’t he be VeteranMistakes by now?  Doesn’t HerrBoss mean Mr. Boss in English?  Honestly, Jesus prefers Mr. Boss much better as a team name.  Mr. Boss of Mistakes.

 Car Ramrod:  Jesus Hates putting John Cooper here in the Lambs to the Slaughter section.  Every year, Jesus wants forgive Cooper’s transgressions, and move him up in the rankings.  But every year we have to call a tow truck, and move this heap of junk from blocking traffic.  Say what you will, he is always trying to get it running.  Maybe Liga should let him keep his money, and hire a mechanic.  On second thought, better get that money up front.  My Venmmo handle is Je$us6969

Fisher of Men

When seeking Disciples, Jesus traveled around the Sea of Galliee, calling out to fisherman in the boats, to drop everything and follow him.  Jesus said, he would make them fishers of men.  If they follow Jesus, these next teams have a chance to pull something in, but it is more likely that their nets had holes, and their boats were dinghies.

Zubi Dubi Do:   WTF?  What happened to the Misfits?  Jesus knows that Boyle is still out there.  He texts us every now and then, adds a funny comment here and there.  But seriously, look where he is on this list!  Jesus almost threw him into the Lambs for the Slaughter section, because that is what it has been.  Jesus knows that he is domesticated, but Liga is a slaughterhouse.  Resist Boyle the temptations be first through the chute.  Follow Jesus, and retain your former glory.

So Many Chips:  You did it Tony!  You’ve duplicated your highest ranking ever.  Jesus is proud to place you here.  Jesus was a tad worried when going over the analytics of where Jose would be placed, if we had League Average playing.  But luckily, that decision (and Randy signing up) got taken away from Jesus, and Tony was able to lock up a sensational sixth spot.  Congratulations Tony.  Play those chips loose and you might find yourself at the right side of Jesus.

TBD:  Adopting the name of a former champion, is always a good thing.  And just like that former champion, you never knew where the wind would take you.  Either a championship, or shipwreck.  There was no in between for Liga’s favorite Sardar.  Mr. Vance is at a crossroad after bannering last year.  His Team name is to be decided later, and so is which road he takes.  Walk the Path of Jesus, and be redeemed.

The Wiseman from the East

Bring Jesus your gold, frankincense, and myrrh.  These are the teams that follow the star in the West, and the favorites to steal Jesus’ Bracelet.   

Grimms Le Fee Tales:  One thing is for sure, the Wizard is the best at naming his team.  Calculating and annoying, he is sure to have the guy you’ve never heard of, brace in your face.  

MLSFantasy Champ:  Jesus said it above.  In a points Liga, no question, Brian wins half those titles.  He is great at hoarding chips and using them in week 36-37-38 to maximize his distinguished world rank.  Now winning Liga titles?  Not so much.  He is always in the hunt, but rarely fires the fatal shot.  No justification to make him the favorite in a head to head liga.  

Haters Gonna Hate:  At the beginning of last year, Liga established a ceasefire, to calm the bad blood that had flowed the year prior.  Jeff was coming off his most obnoxious year since we lost our beloved Ken.  It was a new day.  For the first half of the season, it did appear as if Jeff had turned over a new leaf.  The thread was full of positivity, and respectful commentary.  Jesus was leading the Liga, and there was peace.  There was fear that darkness would return when Haters ascended the top of the table. There was hope that the Peace would remain.  Afterall, Jesus had not fired one snide comment, one single strategically timed thumbs up, not a tiddle of hostility at Haters during his long reign at the top. How long did it last?  

Once the prince of darkness took over, the peace was destroyed immediately.  All the deadly sins came out at once, especially pride, greed, wrath and envy.  Liga burned for three straight weeks, while Jeff danced on the ashes.  

Out of the Darkness, came the light.  Divine will lead the $pecial one back to reclaim the throne, and become a Fantasy God himself.  The Hate was hotter than hell, and only Jesus could take the fire without getting burned.  No Team was chipped more than Fantasy Jesus, and no team will ever be.  Jesus stunned the Fantasy world by defeating evil in week 33, the fastest title clinch in Liga history.  

During this historic victory, Haters looking for answers on where it went wrong (terrible managerial decisions), Haters gave up everything that he had fought for over the last decade.  He gave up the hard earned self title as the “Greatest Head to Head Champion of all time.”  Afterall, Liga is a head to head Liga, and the old Jeff knew more than anybody.  It was about playing your opponent, planning weeks in advance, building that bank, and getting the edge over the rest of the Liga.  And arguably, he did that.  For years and years, he argued that it wasn’t about points, but the W’s in your column.    

But in his blind rage last year, he gave it all away, and argued with the squares that it was about points afterall.  Shocking reversal on the very legacy he worked hard to built.  

Jesus loves you Jeff.  You use to play the beautiful game.  Forget the squares and the normies.  Let the Hate flow through you.   

The Right Hand of God

Fantasy Jesus:  Better find some nails, and a bigger boulder, because it will take heaven and earth to move Jesus from the top.

There it is folks…here is to another 1o years of Liga History!

WARNING:

Reading Inside the Fantasy is highly addictive.  It may cause stress, a loss of time, a resentment towards friends or colleagues and a dislike for Fantasy in general. Please enter Inside the Fantasy at your own risk….

In the beginning when God created the heavens and the earth,
[1:2] the earth was a formless void and darkness covered the face of the deep, while a wind from God swept over the face of the waters.
[1:3] Then God said, “Let there be Liga”; and there was Liga.
[1:4] And God saw that the Liga was good; and God separated the Liga from the darkness.
[1:5] God called the Liga good, and the darkness he called Inside the Fantasy. And there was Inside the Fantasy and there was Liga, the first day.

2024, a year of the future, where a champion is destined to be crowned, showered with gold, frankincense, and myrrh (Just give me the gold), and admired for countless centuries with future generations invoking thy name, while committing dreadful atrocities.  Immortality has a price, one that twelve souls are destined to pay.  God will favor only one to sit at his right hand, and then judge the fuck out of the others. 

So HERE we are, fleshy containers of immortal energy, at the cusp of the 2023-2024 Liga season, looking back at what thou hast happened before, to judge the future, and bring about an apocalyptic revelation!  What name shall God whisper into my mind, to sit on top of the make-believe Mountain?  (Hearing voices is normal, right?)  It is I, you’re humble servant, The Special One, who will sacrifice this lamb, rip out its entrails, study it, then determine the fates of the willing.  Let us journey Inside the Fantasy!!!

Let’s start this Preview off by dividing everybody up into units:

D-squad:  The D stands for Devil, and these are the tortured souls destined to find themselves at the bottom…in Hell. 

Rookiemistakes:  The name says it all…Rookie…mistakes…If I had to add anything to the name it would be free money.  Rookiemistakesfreemoney is a solid name that truly says it all.  The only thing that the Special One knows about him is that he is friends with Jeff, so not a good start.  There is suspicion around the Liga that Rookiemistakes is actual a phantom Hater’s team, that this is just Jeff. Collusion if you will (Thanks Tony!).  That cant be right?  What’s his name?  Justin Johnson!  That sounds made up. Anyways, if “Jeff’s friend” is an actual person, welcome to Liga!  You’re about to be destroyed.  

My Holjund cheaper:  God love him…really…please do.  Love him as much as we do here at Liga.  When Special One sees that he’s playing Mgr. Ostrander the next gameweek, he immediately thinks of two things.  One, he can save a transfer. Two, OR, he can make four transfers (THAT’S THE LIMIT ROOKIEMISTAKES).  Either choice, God is granting the W. 

Car Ramrod:  Hasn’t this car suffered enough damage?  Who is the poor mechanic that has to work on this car, week in and week out, just to keep it drivable?  Mgr. Cooper’s team is like the guy who drives on the spare doughnut tire indefinitely.  Sure, you get from point A to B, but the race is already over.  Imagine winning 1^st prize this year, $800.00 smackeroos…After eight seasons with this junker, you’d break even.   

Pooponastick:  That’s right, you are reading this correctly.  Every fucking year, we wait for the return of the prodigal son.  And every year, that soup goes cold.  Yes, during the Kenwick days, he was sensational, but “Larry bird is not walking through that door.”  Once Liga formed, its been Mgr. Rich that has been formless.  The first few years of Liga were very shaky years for poop.  He ghosted in two of them, but might as well have ghosted in all of them, cause he played like somebody who had died.  Last year, the hype was real, only to disappear like a fart in the wind.  I’ll leave another bowl of soup out for this turd, but I expect Poop to have his lunch eaten again.

The Disciples:  These teams are followers of Liga, maybe invited to the last supper, but ultimately do not get the last piece of chicken, and will ultimately be crucified anyways. 

TBD:  The last of the legendary Sardar brothers.  Will he be able to carry on his family’s name?  No.  Will he be able to make a name for himself alone?  To Be Decided.  Actually…you know what…let me read the entrails of this lamb carcass…don’t want a good carcass to go to waste…let me get in here…this is gross…fuck my glove has a hole in it….is that even an organ….why does the inside of this thing stink so bad?…oh I see now…interesting….that makes sense…okay I got it…let me just wash my hands here…gross…And NO!

Onana in the Highest:  I’d love to put Mgr. Vance higher up the list, but I can’t, cause there is nothing in the historical records to support doing so.  His team reminds me of Bartholmew.  Who is Bartholmew you ask?  (Come on guys, read your Bible, can’t you see I’ve got a theme here)  Well, he was a disciple of Jesus.  That’s it, that’s all we really know about him in the bible, he was there for stuff, saw Jesus moon walk across the water, and yeah.  Onana in the highest is Bartholmew.  He’s there.

Red Cards:  Special One has racked his brain about Mgr. Tony’s team name for years.  Why does he call his team the Red Cards?  Finally, Special One figured it out.  It’s cause he’s always playing down a man, or, two, or three.  Don’t get me wrong, he’s playing his heart out, but eventually he is overwhelmed by the numbers, and is shown the door.  If you’re a betting man (Tony certainly is), I would like to issue you a yellow card before placing any money on this team.

Onana What’s My Name:  SHOCKER!!!!  That’s right, every pre-seasons analysts’ pick to win it all, and the Special One has him ranked here.  For all you American Football fans out there, Mgr. Cain is the equivalent of the Bills.  First, he doesn’t read this article (only three of you do), so I am not going to make him the favorite.  Second, he never wins.  Yeah, incredible year last year, but still no trophies.  The Wiz is put on this earth for one thing only, to serve as an agent of chaos.  He’s been torturing Liga Managers for years (most notable Haters) with his sneaky moves, calculations that take into considerations the flap of a butterfly’s wing.  He will drop many to their knees, but he will never rise off his to take the crown

The Four Horseman:  AKA The Banner Boys.  One of these degenerates will wear the crown at the end.  And yes, it will be a crown of thorns

MLS Fantasy:  Fuck you Brian.  Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.  Take my money.  Seriously, I love you but Fuck.  Can you stop winning every god damn year.  Last year, wasn’t even close to your best performance, and god damn it, fuck.  I hope you’re saving all this money for your kids college fund, so we can all take solace in that.  But god damn it, don’t you win it this year, or I’ll..I’ll rant even more about it next year.  Stop.  Let some others have some fucking Pie!

The Special One:  Another year, another banner.  As the Special One reflects on his last article from 2020, he notices that he had bannered 3 out 4 of the first four years of Liga.  Last year, another Banner to add to a crowded rafter.  But what is not crowded?… his wallet.  Some say a Banner is a banner, and that the Special One should be proud.  But some banners come with $800 dollars, and Scott’s cheap flights has tickets to Spain for as low as $400, and Special One wants to go to Spain, not to fictional rafter location in his head.  Seriously, Special One will go to Spain with the title’s winnings.  If he comes up short again, then its Malibu jacks for some reflection.  (Laser Tag!)

Oboyle Rules:  Mgr. Boyle, a favorite?  This may be the Special Ones most controversial pick.  A few years back, Mark had possibly, the greatest season of all time.  He was like Noah, made all the right moves, built him a big fucking boat, and laughed while the world was destroyed beneath the wake of his team. (He finished 195 out of 10,000,000, incredible).  He was not template, and the masses loved him for it.  Was it Luck?  You bet your ass it was…is what people are starting to say now, as his maverick moves have looked pedestrian over the last few years.  However, Special One recognizes talent, and is tipping his hat to Mark’s team this year (No Kane, god he loved Kane).  If this horseman doesn’t ride this year, then its back to Hell!

It’s quoted in the bible, Revelations: Behold the pale horse. The man who sat on him was death, and Hell followed with him.

Haters Gonna Hate:  

“Strike me down with all of your hatred and your journey towards the dark side will be complete! Let the hate flow through you!” -Emperor Palpatine

In order for there to be good, evil must exist.  Therefore, Evil is good.  We don’t need to go into the history of it all (please God, don’t get him started!  I’ll shut down the thread)  But seeing this man rise from the ashes of like a 1-12 start or something stupid like that, to threatening to banner last year, was impressive.  I think that he turned it all around cause he learned to channel his Hate, not through outrageous statements of grandeur gaslighting our beloved fantasy thread, not by running off our beloved Ken Fletcher with his antics, not by splitting the Liga in two, not by…pause…I said I was not going to into the history.  Haters learned to Self Hate!  He looked into the mirror, and he did not like the reflection.  The Hate he created made him the most chipped man in Liga history.  And he took it like a fucking champ! Pressed on SILENTLY (please remember this), to prove the Haters wrong.  If he fails, he will have to live with that reflection.  It is written….

Recapping:  Our Preseason Rankings

1. Haters Gonna Hate
2. O’Boyle Rules
3. The Special One
4. MLS Fantasy Champ
5. Onana What’s My Name
6. Red Cards
7. Onana in the Highest
8. TBD
9. Pooponastick
10. Car Ramrod
11. My Holjund Cheaper
12. Rookiemistakes

Good Luck this year Gentleman!  For thine is the kingdom, the glory, the power, forever…Amen

The cry from a baby off in the distance can be heard as Mgr. Herrington shifts forward in his seat, poised to break the stiffening silence that hangs over the room like a dark cloud. “I kicked the shit out of this one,” he says as raises the controller up to mute the scenes of Man City celebrating the 2021-22 Premier League title. No further inquiry is necessary as he slumps back into the couch. He’s the architect of Superliga’s split into its O.G. and 2.0 versions; the man single handedly responsible for tearing apart the fabric of the best head to head league in the country. “The verdict is in,” he mutters to himself. “Complete and total disaster.”

Last summer, after what can only be described as an ‘unhinged’ season, and in the wake of a growing number of members signaling that they were ready to move on, Mgr./Commissioner Herrington announced his retirement. By the time he unretired weeks later, the damage was done; Superliga was fractured and its split inevitable.

“Me and Mgr. Kleinschmidt set out to put together the greatest head to head league in the country, bar none. And we did it. Year one we get all these elite players under the same roof and a hot shot one and done kid out of Chicago (Mgr. Faris Sardar) comes in and steals the show. It was thrilling. (Mgr. Herrington was reminded that Mgr. Faris Sardar was still active and had not retired 6 years ago).

“The first domino to fall was losing Mgr. Ken Fletcher,” he says, attempting to explain what he saw as the catalyst for Superliga’s demise. “Ken is Superliga’s Bobby Fischer.” The Bobby Fischer he speaks of he reveals is not the prodigy that played chess but instead a local arcade legend in the late 80s that disappeared from the scene at the height of his powers. “Rumor was he got carpal tunnel. But it turned out he just couldn’t play at the arcade anymore because it was within 500 feet of an elementary school.”

“Then we have the fallout from the wedding video,” he continues, speaking of a 2017 video at Mgr. Barrette’s wedding in which Mgr. Kleinschmidt is filmed saying a number of disparaging remarks about Mgr. Boyle’s abilities, including “he plays like someone that is learning how to play fantasy” and “he learns from his mistakes but his mistakes are large and egregious.” “The perception was that I was instigating,” he continues in reference to what he thought started Superliga’s most bitter rivalry between himself and Mgr. Boyle. “For the record, I don’t think he plays like someone that is learning to play, because from my perspective, I can’t see the learning part of that statement.”

“He’s an absolute stud,” the Haters’ mgr. remarks as the conversation turns to his rivalry with Mgr. Barrette. “I get people saying to me all the time, ‘you guys are like Simon and Garfunkel and they’re pointing at me when they say Simon. Or you are like R2D2 and he’s C3PO. You know, just these iconic duos. ‘Big J, you’re Sly Stallone and Brian’s Dolph Lundgren.’ It’s just flattering to be in that same category.”

“He’s clearly the future,” he says after reflecting on this year’s champion and second two-time Superliga winner, Mgr. Zaen Sardar. “He was one of the first people I saw wearing skinny legged pants in Lexington. He’s in touch with young people and they’re playing the game with reckless abandonment. Before he retired, all you’d hear is, ‘hey, Faris’ brother is pretty good, keep an eye on him.’ Well they were sure as hell right.” (Mgr. Herrington is once again reminded that Mgr. Faris Sardar has not retired).

“He’s guilty of a rule 37b subsection 4 violation,” Mgr. Herrington smiles as he sets up a legal joke about new attorney Mgr. Mike Vance, “for insufficient representation of a fantasy football team. ‘After having heard Mgr. Vance’s arguments, this court rules that as punishment, all trophies must be removed from his trophy case,'” Mgr. Herrington laughs, pausing to explain that there are no trophies to be seized. “Now that’s some good-ass lawyering.”

“It’s like if you told your wife you got her tickets to see her favorite boy band’s reunion tour and she’s thinking ‘I can’t believe this cheap motherfucker sprang for Back Street Boys tickets’ and she opens up the gift and it’s tickets to see 98 Degrees,” Mgr. Herrington remarked when asked how he would describe Mgr. Tony Monjure and his Red Cards. “’Or, hey, I picked up ice cream on the way home’, ‘What did you get? Rocky Road? Cookies and Cream?’ ‘No, banana’.”

“’He’s going to become a great player in this league sooner rather than later’, is something we have been saying about Mgr. Cooper for the past two decades it feels like,” he muses when asked about the once highly touted managerial prospect. “Someone asked me the other day what I thought of his title hopes. I had to look around because I thought for sure I was getting punk’d. Yes, he’s a title contender. If the title is, ‘Who is going to be in it until week 14 and then fade into oblivion.’”

“I don’t recall them making Babe Ruth or Michael Jordan commissioners,” he says in regards to why he is so optimistic about the reunified Superliga and the man at the helm of the ship, Mgr. Kleinschmidt. “I hear the jokes, like, ‘Teddy Roosevelt got into a bust up at his title celebration’ or ‘my school opened up a time capsule and there was a story in the school newspaper about his championship in it.’” “Yeah, so maybe he hasn’t seen the winner’s circle in a few years. You want to know why? Because he hasn’t been focused on becoming a Tiger Woods like figure, he’s been working to emulate the greats, like Paul Tagliaube and David Stern. He’s a winner, in a certain sense, and a unifier. He’s going to do a tremendous job.”

The rant is complete and Mgr. Herrington stands and walks over to the window, looking off into the distance as he contemplates his future. “There’s no question I’ve been out of line on a number of occasions, but I’m a changed man now. Maybe one day I’ll pack it up like Faris and ride off into the sunset. But that day has not yet arrived.” He then spoke of the impact having a child has had on him and pulls out his phone to presumably pull up a picture of his baby. “Here we go,’’ he says after a minute of scrolling. “Ain’t that a beautiful sight?” He turns the phone to reveal a screenshot of his fantasy team. “Set and forget, until week three, then I’m playing my wildcard, of course.”

WARNING:

Reading Inside the Fantasy is highly addictive.  It may cause stress, a loss of time, a resentment towards friends or colleagues and a dislike for Fantasy in general. Please enter Inside the Fantasy at your own risk….

“Between the time when the oceans drank Atlantis, and the rise of the sons of Aryas, there was an age undreamed of. And unto this, a new champion, destined to wear the jeweled crown of Liga upon a troubled brow. It is I, his chronicler, who alone can tell thee of his saga. Let me tell you of the days of high adventure! And take you Inside the Fantasy!”

2020, a year of the future, where a champion is destined to be crowned, showered with earthly treasure, and admired for countless centuries to come.  Or, 2020 can signify clarity, often invoked in an infuriating colloquialism about seeing the past clearly from the present, (Told yeah that you shouldn’t have eaten that many mushrooms.)  Hindsight is always 2020!   I’m wiggin out!

But HERE we are, fleshy containers of immortal energy, at the cusp of the 2019-2020 Liga season, looking back at the past to preview the future.  Who will emerge from the fog of my mind to sit on top of the make-believe Mountain?  It is I, you’re humble servant, Johnny Bluegrass (The Special One), who will use his three-eyed crow to look into his crystal ball and foresee with 2020 vision…a bicycle, at the Alamo…in the basement…And we are all going on a big adventure! (Take some of these mushrooms, they’re next level).

Let’s start this Preview off by dividing everybody up into units:

D-Squad:  If we had a D-Liga, these teams would be in it. 

Panic at the Pitch:  The Senior Herrington Brother, plays fantasy like a Senior citizen plays Fortnite…they don’t normally play, but when they do, they are terrible,  don’t understand anything, forget why they wanted to play in the first place, and 30 weeks later, have to be reminded where their wallet is.  Randy should change his team’s name to Panic at the Keyboard.   He will be a ghost by week 5, but if not, would there really be a difference?

Psimer Team (Probably the cleverest name):  Mr. Psimer owes a hundred dollars to last year’s champion.  If he enters that Liga code again, he will owe a hundred dollars to this year’s champion…It’s just that simple.  He did have an insanely hot start two or three years ago, when he was like 200 in the world.  Its been an ice age since then. 

GetYourPoopTogether:  This will be the last year of Liga cleaning up Mr. Rich’s shit.  He is in the toilet with Liga officials after ghosting for the second year in a row.  And he might as well be a ghost gameweek 1, for the old champion is long been deceased.  I’m not ashamed to admit that a few tears are currently lubricating my keystrokes, BECAUSE it breaks my heart and fingers to type these words…Diego is a D-Liga-er and GetYourPoopTogether is a turd.

The Pretenders:  These teams are the equivalent of Fly-over America…like Iowa, or a Dokata…you’re pretty sure they suck, or at the very least, very boring and predictable.

Muchados:  Did we just get our first Sardar on the list?  Former Liga Champion Sardar? You read that correctly…Faris is Kansas.  For too long, Mr. Sardar has distanced himself from the Top Six of Liga, contented to remain aloof, heavenly influenced by sinister outside forces.  He is like Donald Trump, in that, yeah he won, but it wasn’t popular, and there was a lot of speculation that he colluded with Putin (Jeff).   

Red Cards:  “They’re going to respect me now!”  Mr. Monjure is like Cuban Gooding Jr.’s character in the movie Radio.  Remember when Johnny, at the end of the movie, gives Radio his letterman jacket as a sign of respect?  Johnny is like Liga…we respect Radio for not ratting us out to Coach Jones for pressuring Radio to go into the girls bathroom.  But does Johnny really respect Radio?  Enough to give him our letterman jacket, so Radio can pretend to be a part of the team…though he is clearly not.  (I’m either going to hell, or being chipped for this.)  Radio!

Crotch Rashford:  If only Mr. Cooper could pick a team as good as he does his team’s name?  His fantasy prospects are about as good as a crotch rash, no Bueno.  Sometimes Liga Managers forget to set their team up before a gameweek.  If that happens, and you’re playing Mr. Cooper’s team, rest easy and go back to what you were doing.  You’ve got the W!

HatersGonnaHate:  If you had told me in January that Jeff’s Haters was gonna to make a run from the bottom of the table, to finish mid-table, I would have been surprised.  If you told me that he would also be married, I would have fainted (…she must be a Saint).  It’s a good thing he did get married, cause his wife’s Instagram is the only way to see him these days.  He says that he’s been putting in the research this year, and he’ll be back in Banner Bay.  But like bachelorhood, that ship has sailed.  The best we can hope for is another targeting incident (he’s coming for you Boyle), or a thrilling run up to the middle.  #Hatersgonnaeight

The Contenders:  This group is like Rocky…in the original Rocky…They fight well, but lose in the end, and use their faces to block.

Bissaka-Flocka Flame:  Mr. Vance started his fantasy career as a D-Liga-er.  When facing his team, you used to be able to make multiple trades, risky Captain plays, or do nothing at all with your team, it was like Christmas, it was Great!  (Thankfully Diego and Randy still play Santa and Mrs. Claus.)  Then Mr. Vance moved into the Pretender category last year, he made some good trades, he made some bad trades, but in the end, he was decent enough to make you think he was getting it.  If Mr. Vance does indeed “have it,” as Inside the Fantasy predicts, then Liga should watch out.  If not, then its time to do some shopping during the holiday season!

TBD:  Last year, Mr. Sardar replaced his brother as the best Sardar brother, and won a Liga title.  Not a bad year.  Can he repeat?  No.  Will he be competitive? A resounding maybe.  TBD is the tops among the Hater’s contingent, which certainly raises his profile.  You see, Inside the Fantasy’s theory on TBD success is this…the Old Guard has been playing fantasy for over a decade.  When the Old Guard clashes, the rivalries, the hatred, tend to boil up into underhanded text messages and memes.  The Old Guard will then eat themselves, hurting their chances for banners (see Ken).  Mr. Sardar has not been noticed by the Old Guard, and therefore had an easy run last year…Nobody went after him until he was too far ahead…(happened with Boyle too, but…guess seven games wasn’t enough)  Mr. Sardar won’t go unnoticed by the Old Guard this year, but sadly, it is up to his own contingent to flame their own intra-group rivalries, and not give him a pass like they did last year.

MLS Fantasy Champ:  The GOAT just a contender?  Something does feel off about that, but then again, it feels right too.  Sure, Tiger can still compete, win the masters, but he could also suffer horrendous back spasms too.  Brian is still the GOAT, however, it maybe time to put him out to pasture, after all he is breeding now.   Beating Brian is still a great achievement, even if it’s like more like beating your Dad, with his bad back, at basketball.

The Banner Boys:  This collection of misfits, have the best chance to hang another Banner in their imaginary rafters. 

No Pukki No Party:  (you are reading this correctly, Mark Boyle is among the favorites.)   January 1, 2018, Mr. Boyle was seven games up in the Table, seemingly untouchable.  By the time 2019 rolled around, he had been touched some many times, the Catholic church had to shell out millions of dollars.  Since that fateful New Years day, Mr. Boyle has been easier to beat, than my six year old nephew…playing fantasy EPL.  But there is a fire burning somewhere in that shell of a manager, that wants to ignite the Liga, and burn the whole thing down.  (Why is Jeff wearing a fireman’s hat?)

The Special One:  Banners in 3 out 4 Liga years, is it so hard to believe that the Special One is in this group?  Simple answer, No.  Is he a clear favorite?  He’s not a clear favorite, just one amongst a few, (I don’t dare say yes in order to not seemed bias…but clearly I am the favorite).   What cannot be argued is that The Special One was the most exciting manger of last year.  Who could forget the epic chip game against Boyle, a season sweep of our aforementioned champion TBD, back to back wins against Brian and Pat Cain, another series win against Arch Rival Haters, the Vardy triple Cap against Ken, and the epic chip game against Boyle 2?  His shoot from the hip attitude will win him glory, if not the Liga.

Aubamecare:  Mr. Cain moved to Brisbe AZ.  He will not be reading this, and if he did, he would not care.  He probably wouldn’t realize that the only reason that I am even taking the exhaustive amount of time to write Inside the Fantasy, is for attention, from friends and acquaintances, who like me, have nothing better to do with their time and friendships, then to write silly fantastical sports previews.  So for all of us reading this, we know what the Wizard can do, and nobody wants to see Aubamecare in the upcoming fixtures.  (Ask Jeff. He’s 1-3-102 against him)

And now, finally, Inside the Fantasy’s Favorite to Win the coveted bracelet (order the damn bracelets Commissioner Herrington).

Downing Young Boys:  Fletchernomics was firing all season last year!  Mr. Fletcher won the Golden Boot, that only the Wizard could sniff.  His Captains’ Picks were spot on, leaving Liga’s Phil Helmuth, Jeff Herrington, flummoxed.  He should have Bannered last year, if not for all the other managers head hunting the top predator. (Vardy Party).  He is a Vegan. (not sure what that has to do with fantasy, but I feel this fact should always be stated in any context.  If anything, it shows he’s making good choices now.)  Some may ask, why did Inside the Fantasy make him our favorite?  Because, we need to all go after him, use our chips, and not let him have any of our money.  (use your fucking chips against him!)

Recapping:  Our Preseason Rankings

1. Downing Young Boys
2. Aubamecare
3. The Special One
4. No Pukki No Party
5. MLS Fantasy Champ
6. TBD
7. Bissaka-Flocka Flame
8. HaterGonnaHate
9. Red Cards
10. Crotch Rashford
11. Muchados
12. GetyourPoopTogether
13. John Psimer’s Team
14. Panic at the Pitch

Good Luck this year Gentleman!  May the odds forever be in your favor…

MARK-VELOUS!

His Name is Yoshida manager, Mark Boyle, celebrates a perfect start to his 2017-18 Bluegrass Superliga campaign.

*Preseason ranking in parenthesis, first place votes after the team name. Historical performance, form, team value, points and table position used in the calculation.

14(13).  Pitch Punters     0-0-2

Did the Superliga expand too quickly? Those looking to make an argument to that end need to look no further than the Pitch Punters as their proof. This elder Herrington managed squad is starting to feel a lot like Next Friday and Chris Tucker still ain’t walking through that door. You know who is? Another D Mid.

13(14).  Black Flan     0-0-2

It’s rare to see a fantasy manager re-enter the fold after several years of absence. Mgr. Vance is showing that even after being away from the game for half a decade you can pick right up where you left off and maintain that same level of ineptness we all grew to love to play over the years.

12(12).  TBD     1-0-1

Some managers make a name for themselves with titles or historic late season runs or by accumulating a rafter full of banners. Mgr., Z. Sardar’s claim to fame is leaving the greatest ghost team of all-time. Expectations aren’t quite as high this season.

11(9).  Red Cards     0-0-2

Mgr. Monjure is shaping up to be a player in the same vein of his mentor, Mgr. Boyle. He’s at the party, having fun and then about 1:30 you look over and he’s passed out and somebody has drawn a dick on his cheek. Will this be the year he’s finally tea-bagging others as the night draws to a close?

10(11).  WeirdUnmarkedVanDijk     1-0-1

Mgr. Psimer makes his Superliga debut this season. With a background in film there is a rumored documentary in the works that will follow the VanDijk’s meteoric rise all the way up to 5th place before sliding back and finishing the season in 12th. It is to be rated “R” for “Relegation.”

9(10).  Car Ramrod II  (1)     2-0-0

No one makes you forget that they’re in the league like Mgr. Cooper. The Superliga’s Tiffany Trump is off to his best start yet but don’t look away or you’ll miss his two episode appearance on Dancing with the Stars.

8(7).  MamaSedKnockaertUOut     1-0-1

Mgr. Cain is known as a “maestro of math” and is feared for his prodigious application of statistical analysis to his managerial decisions in fantasy EPL. Unfortunately, 7th place plus 10th place plus 12th place = Never Challenges for Titles.

7(8).  Poopsonsticks     1-0-1

Like your uncle, a former street ball legend returning to the court for the first time in a decade, Mgr. Rich insists that this is the season when he recaptures glory that has long faded. With most everyone pulling for a Poop renaissance, it’s hard to get too enthused after watching him take half an hour to get his various knee braces on.

6(5).  WayneKaneDavidBlaine     1-0-1

Mgr. Kleinschmidt can tell you ad nauseam about how great he once was. But unfortunately we’re only left to reference a picture from that time of a man wearing a blue jean jacket with a bandana tied around his wrist. No longer flush with that Bugle Boy cash, expect his self-proclaimed reinvention this year to come in the form of a loosely buttoned silk shirt.

5(2).  Downing Young Boys     0-1-0

Mgr. Fletcher styles himself as an Aaron Judge like figure — aiming to capture the league’s heart with each towering blast — when in reality he’s Tim Tebow, fighting back tears as he leads the team in prayer on the bus after a tough loss in Sioux City.

4(6).  The Muchados     1-0-1

His championship in his first fantasy season was met by a chorus of groans and endless insinuations that it was a fluke of the highest order. When he showed up at last season’s white table cloth dinner in a wife beater and reeking of Stetson cologne, those perceptions were widely reinforced.

3(4).  His Name is Yoshida (7)     2-0-0

When you see Mgr. Boyle’s squad from a distance you can’t help but to think they have the look of legitimate title contenders. But upon closer inspection you’ll see they’re wearing two-striped Adidas’ and their jerseys are made by  the shoe giant, “Nire.””We’ll see about that,” Mgr. Boyle responded as he took a sip from his “SunBucks” coffee, flashing his brand new “Relax” watch.

2(3).  5X MLS Fantasy Champ (40)     2-0-0

Mgr. Barrette’s consistency over the years has placed him in the position as the lone challenger to Haters’ claim of G.O.A.T. fantasy manager. But if we’re fair he comes up a little short. He’s the Ft. Lauderdale to Haters’ Miami. The Vin Diesel to Haters’ Rock. The chopsticks to Haters’ fork. And that ain’t half bad.

1(1).  Haters Gonna Hate (52)     1-1-0

Where to start? Champion. Golden boot. 6th banner in 7 years. Some have compared Mgr. Herrington in awe inspiring terms to that of the Eclipse, if the Eclipse could benchpress 300 pounds and rap along verbatim with several Kanye songs.

In The Battle For First

Haters Gonna Hate -8.5 Pitch Punters

Randy’s must have a really great NFL fantasy team, like really great.  Usually Fletchermetrics won’t spit out lines over 8, but that was before I saw Randy’s team.  It certainly doesn’t help Randy that Jeff should be the highest scoring team this week.

Snoop Poggy Pogba -3 TBD

John continues to fall ass backwards into wins.  Zaen was unlucky to get the loss last week, however his defense is an absolute mess that needs cleaning. Unless of course he’s fine with playing double stoke defense and having no backup options.  Tough to be counting on that away at Goodison park this week or counting on that to work out as if it were 2013 all over again or something.  The good news for Zaen is that he gets to play John this week who continues to think you only need 4 players on your team.

Downing Young Boys -3.5 O Boyle Rules

Boyle’s team of misfit toys actually have decent matchups this week, asking the age old question of form vs fixture.  Ken will be hoping that Boyle’s team shits the bed for at least one more week before Mark kicks off his season long battle against Johnny Bluegrass for the Golden Sandal, or whatever crappy imaginary trophy those two are playing for.

The Rest of You

XhakaKhanLetMeRockU -5 Dethohol

Pat’s team is littered with injuries, both minor and major, and in order to assuredly field a full team this week, his squad would require major surgery.  With that in mind he’s still the prohibitive favorite in this one as Eoin continues to vice captain Rashford.  I’m a little confused on how he made a transfer last week.  Like he looked at his team, decided to make a change, and then said, yep I’m all set, let’s vice captain Rashford.  He must be playing this game from somewhere without reliable internet access or something.

5X MLS Fantasy Champ -5 Red Cards

I’m a little unsure of how this spread is only 5 points considering that if no transfers were made, this matchup boils down to Aguero vs Callum Wilson.  Embarrassing.

Pooponastick  -1.5 Car Ramrod

Diego turned his luck around last week, but thanks to players like Siggy and Gradel one look at his team and you can see he still has a loooooong way to go.  Thankfully he’s playing Cooper who’s front line is filled with the forgotten bargain basement heroes of week 3 2015.

Muchados -3 League Average

I have no way of guessing what the world average will be on any given week, and last week I just thought it would be bad so I gave Boyle a big headstart.  From now on this line will be against the presumed league average score.  Muchados is slated to have the 4^th highest score of the league this week, so he should rest comfortably vs an imaginary opponent.

BY KEN FLETCHER

The Big Boy Games

Haters Gonna Hate +2 5XMLS Fantasy Champ

Haters forced into an early Ayew replacement makes it tough to get 2 wins out of the gate, look for the MLS King ‘s 3^rd striker Gray to make all the difference in this one.

Downing Young Boys -3.5 TBD

Having six different goal scorers in your squad isn’t something Downing will come to see again this season, however his front 7 remains settled so the metrics give him a slight edge over “TBD’s TBD midfielders” (in Lingaard and Deulofeu).  Edge might be to TBD if playing time were assured.

Red Cards +1.5 XhakaKhanLetMeRockU

Red Cards opted for big guns in the middle of the park, over Xhaka’s big money frontline, but No Aguero for Red Cards makes the ML an easy call.

They Will Also Play Games

Boyle -8 The World Average

After week one, Boyle’s contrarian team has him backed into a Firmino shaped corner, and unfortunately he doesn’t really get involved with those, so it’s open play Bobby Firms goals or nothin’ this week for him.  Oh wait, he’s playing against the world average.  He’ll be fine.  His team is still terrible.

Muchados +0.5 Pooponastick

Muchados somehow put up 70 points with Fletcher on the field, so I’m not sure what to make of his team, some great pieces some big question marks.  What a shitshow GW1 for poop, should bounceback with a big week from Vardy, unless of course he already dropped him.  If that’s the case who knows what to make of this matchup.

The Oh Someone Let These Guys In The League Games

Snoop Poggy Pogba +1.5 Pitch Punters

When I plugged Snoop’s team into the Fletchermetrics Computer, half his team came back with error 404 source not found.  If Payet starts it could be an interesting captain for Pitch Punters, which is always something you want to be saying about someone’s team in week two.  In the end, Snoop Poggy Pogba is managed by the best fantasy manger on the planet, and I have much to learn from him.  He will very likely win the liga.

Dethohol +0.5  Car Ramrod

Both of these teams have already lost value, and this should be easily the lowest scoring game of the week.  I took the under at 1.  Long gameweek even longer year ahead.  Dethohol’s VC didn’t even play last week.  Not looking good for the sequel to last years squad.   Look for next year’s reboot of this Ghostbuster to have an all female cast.  Car Ramrod hoping that Mktharian starting this week could make all the difference.  Regardless, it will be a low scoring affair, that I won’t be watching.

Welcome back to the greatest English Premier Fantasy League on the face of the earth. I want to encourage everyone to post whenever they feel. Let’s see if we can get this website rolling again like we did early on last year.

To begin I present to you this opening day video:

Good Luck!

By: John Kleinschmidt

Liga: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Bluegrass SuperLiga. Its six-year mission: to explore strange new players, to seek out new finds and new differentials, to boldly go where no Fantasy league has gone before.

EPISODE IX

Traditionalism

Bluegrass SuperLiga

Recently, Archeologist in South Africa discovered ancient hominids, a new ancestor of Homo Sapiens that is sure to lend clues of our species origins.  Possibly 3,000,000 years old, the discovery was significant because they discovered fragments not of one specimen, but of many, old, young, male, female, lending evidence that these human ancestors buried their dead, an incredible find.  But what shocked archeologist more, was a piece of parchment containing writing on it that was clasped in the skeleton hand of one of the males.  The writing, written in ancient Sumerian, contained one word…Aguero.  Scientist were baffled at the meaning.  One man however, who long ago ate from the tree of knowledge, has come forward to spread the light, and take humanity, and 14 lonely souls…Inside the Fantasy to discover the meaning.  So open a window, get some fresh fall air, and stop spreading rumors about all your officemates (we know, Debbie is whore) because you’re about to be taken go “Inside the Fantasy” ©

It’s a fantasy tradition

A day is 24 hours long, a year is 365 days; Christmas is on December 25, and a President serves a four year term.  These are examples of a things that don’t change.  In fantasy, at least from the beginning, there are two things you can actually bet your mother’s life on…The Herrington Tumble and Kenweek.

As a traditionalist organization, IF has always supported both events with equal vigor.  For all you newbs, The Herrington Tumble is when Hater’s Gonna Hate Manger Jeff Herrington positions his team at the top of the table, then he starts doing Herion or something, and his team collapses spectacularly.  During this time, Manager Herrington goes conservative, but not the Regan kind, more like Trump mixed with Nixon who’s dating Jesse Ventura.  Its tremendously entertaining, tragic for those fans of the Hater’s franchise.  Who can forget the titanic tumble of 2010, or the tragic tumble of 2011, or the terrible tumble of 2012, or the tectonic tumble of 2013, or the tremendous tumble of 2014, or the tragic tumble redux of 2015.  But the hipsters have ruined everything, and tradition is thrown by the wayside.  The tumble may not happen this year, because it seems, Mr. Herrington has let his addiction take hold of him, and let’s face it, you can’t tumble when you’re already laid out on the floor, with two broken legs and whiskey drunk.  So the only hope of reviving this tradition, is for IF’s second favorite tradition to happen this weekend…Kenweek.

Kenweek was coined many years ago by Mr. Herrington, when he realized that despite his problems with fellow divisional rivals like Poppy, Poop, or Brian, he always, no matter if he was within the cruel grasp of the tumble, He beat Ken Fetcher.  Who can forget the Christmas miracle? He went something like 9-0 against Mr. Fletcher, it was beautiful.  But tradition once again took a backseat, as Ken got his first victory in Kenweek last year.  When interviewed for the story, Mr. Fletcher said “He didn’t even give me a gg last year, it hurt.”  He wiped away a couple of tears and continued, “It’s not a rivalry if only one person cares.”  Well Ken, The millions of Inside the Fantasy subscribers care.

The point:  Tradition is being eroded.  If Ken wins, the tumble, Kenweek, and everything we have valued, and fought and died for, may have been in vain.  On the other hand, Liga is boldly going where no fantasy Liga has gone before, and fuck tradition.  Where do you stand?  Please feel free to leave a comment.

Inside the Fantasy’s Top 10:  Previous ranking in [ ]

1. [1] NaughtonThePienaar (69): His ranking is as inflated as his Ego, but someone should whisper in his ear, “Remember, you are still mortal.”  [1250 pts]
2. [2] TBD (31): Surprised to still see him up here?  I am.  [1136]
3. [4] ManChestHair United (1): The Boylemaker, hard liquor mixed with sweet suds.  Now if he can only hold it down. [1074]
4. [3] Muchados : Questions have been asked, does Sardar the younger have any answers?  He does, if falling down the table is an answer. [1001]
5. [9] Poppy Cock F.C.: Are biggest mover since the last poll, Mr. Kleinschmidt has his team in position to battle for the bracelet.  Legend [923]
6. [8] Downing Young Boys: Moment of truth for ken in Kenweek, tradition dictates a loss, can he defy tradition?  Prediction: Nope [668]
7. [NR] 4XMLS Fantasy Champ: Defending Champion Brian Barrette finally acting like he gives a shit.  Still, this may be the highest he reaches in this poll.
8. [5] Dethohol: Targett captain?  He must be drunk. [452]
9. [NR] Floppers: Welcome to the Top Ten Anthony!  Being nice, I’ll go ahead and say goodbye  [331]
10. Tig-ol-bitties: Hanging on by his finger tips, Kleinschmidt the younger is going up against big brother, who never let him win at anything, except the last fight when they were teenagers, and you threw him on the couch, punching him, and pummeling, he let you win that one [225]

Others Receiving Votes:

F.C. Pitch Punters — [193] Hey, he’s moving up in the others receiving votes table;

Cathcartache Tonight—[110]  Pat, this is a head to head league; forget the points

Hater’s Gonna Hate—[35] Not the worst team in the league, but still really bad.

Car Ramrod—[1] Worst team in league; Did you put oil in the engine?