The cry from a baby off in the distance can be heard as Mgr. Herrington shifts forward in his seat, poised to break the stiffening silence that hangs over the room like a dark cloud. “I kicked the shit out of this one,” he says as raises the controller up to mute the scenes of Man City celebrating the 2021-22 Premier League title. No further inquiry is necessary as he slumps back into the couch. He’s the architect of Superliga’s split into its O.G. and 2.0 versions; the man single handedly responsible for tearing apart the fabric of the best head to head league in the country. “The verdict is in,” he mutters to himself. “Complete and total disaster.”
Last summer, after what can only be described as an ‘unhinged’ season, and in the wake of a growing number of members signaling that they were ready to move on, Mgr./Commissioner Herrington announced his retirement. By the time he unretired weeks later, the damage was done; Superliga was fractured and its split inevitable.
“Me and Mgr. Kleinschmidt set out to put together the greatest head to head league in the country, bar none. And we did it. Year one we get all these elite players under the same roof and a hot shot one and done kid out of Chicago (Mgr. Faris Sardar) comes in and steals the show. It was thrilling. (Mgr. Herrington was reminded that Mgr. Faris Sardar was still active and had not retired 6 years ago).
“The first domino to fall was losing Mgr. Ken Fletcher,” he says, attempting to explain what he saw as the catalyst for Superliga’s demise. “Ken is Superliga’s Bobby Fischer.” The Bobby Fischer he speaks of he reveals is not the prodigy that played chess but instead a local arcade legend in the late 80s that disappeared from the scene at the height of his powers. “Rumor was he got carpal tunnel. But it turned out he just couldn’t play at the arcade anymore because it was within 500 feet of an elementary school.”
“Then we have the fallout from the wedding video,” he continues, speaking of a 2017 video at Mgr. Barrette’s wedding in which Mgr. Kleinschmidt is filmed saying a number of disparaging remarks about Mgr. Boyle’s abilities, including “he plays like someone that is learning how to play fantasy” and “he learns from his mistakes but his mistakes are large and egregious.” “The perception was that I was instigating,” he continues in reference to what he thought started Superliga’s most bitter rivalry between himself and Mgr. Boyle. “For the record, I don’t think he plays like someone that is learning to play, because from my perspective, I can’t see the learning part of that statement.”
“He’s an absolute stud,” the Haters’ mgr. remarks as the conversation turns to his rivalry with Mgr. Barrette. “I get people saying to me all the time, ‘you guys are like Simon and Garfunkel and they’re pointing at me when they say Simon. Or you are like R2D2 and he’s C3PO. You know, just these iconic duos. ‘Big J, you’re Sly Stallone and Brian’s Dolph Lundgren.’ It’s just flattering to be in that same category.”
“He’s clearly the future,” he says after reflecting on this year’s champion and second two-time Superliga winner, Mgr. Zaen Sardar. “He was one of the first people I saw wearing skinny legged pants in Lexington. He’s in touch with young people and they’re playing the game with reckless abandonment. Before he retired, all you’d hear is, ‘hey, Faris’ brother is pretty good, keep an eye on him.’ Well they were sure as hell right.” (Mgr. Herrington is once again reminded that Mgr. Faris Sardar has not retired).
“He’s guilty of a rule 37b subsection 4 violation,” Mgr. Herrington smiles as he sets up a legal joke about new attorney Mgr. Mike Vance, “for insufficient representation of a fantasy football team. ‘After having heard Mgr. Vance’s arguments, this court rules that as punishment, all trophies must be removed from his trophy case,'” Mgr. Herrington laughs, pausing to explain that there are no trophies to be seized. “Now that’s some good-ass lawyering.”
“It’s like if you told your wife you got her tickets to see her favorite boy band’s reunion tour and she’s thinking ‘I can’t believe this cheap motherfucker sprang for Back Street Boys tickets’ and she opens up the gift and it’s tickets to see 98 Degrees,” Mgr. Herrington remarked when asked how he would describe Mgr. Tony Monjure and his Red Cards. “’Or, hey, I picked up ice cream on the way home’, ‘What did you get? Rocky Road? Cookies and Cream?’ ‘No, banana’.”
“’He’s going to become a great player in this league sooner rather than later’, is something we have been saying about Mgr. Cooper for the past two decades it feels like,” he muses when asked about the once highly touted managerial prospect. “Someone asked me the other day what I thought of his title hopes. I had to look around because I thought for sure I was getting punk’d. Yes, he’s a title contender. If the title is, ‘Who is going to be in it until week 14 and then fade into oblivion.’”
“I don’t recall them making Babe Ruth or Michael Jordan commissioners,” he says in regards to why he is so optimistic about the reunified Superliga and the man at the helm of the ship, Mgr. Kleinschmidt. “I hear the jokes, like, ‘Teddy Roosevelt got into a bust up at his title celebration’ or ‘my school opened up a time capsule and there was a story in the school newspaper about his championship in it.’” “Yeah, so maybe he hasn’t seen the winner’s circle in a few years. You want to know why? Because he hasn’t been focused on becoming a Tiger Woods like figure, he’s been working to emulate the greats, like Paul Tagliaube and David Stern. He’s a winner, in a certain sense, and a unifier. He’s going to do a tremendous job.”
The rant is complete and Mgr. Herrington stands and walks over to the window, looking off into the distance as he contemplates his future. “There’s no question I’ve been out of line on a number of occasions, but I’m a changed man now. Maybe one day I’ll pack it up like Faris and ride off into the sunset. But that day has not yet arrived.” He then spoke of the impact having a child has had on him and pulls out his phone to presumably pull up a picture of his baby. “Here we go,’’ he says after a minute of scrolling. “Ain’t that a beautiful sight?” He turns the phone to reveal a screenshot of his fantasy team. “Set and forget, until week three, then I’m playing my wildcard, of course.”
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