WARNING:
Reading Inside the Fantasy is highly addictive. It may cause stress, a loss of time, a resentment towards friends or colleagues and a dislike for Fantasy in general. Please enter Inside the Fantasy at your own risk….
“Between the time when the oceans drank Atlantis, and the rise of the sons of Aryas, there was an age undreamed of. And unto this, a new champion, destined to wear the jeweled crown of Liga upon a troubled brow. It is I, his chronicler, who alone can tell thee of his saga. Let me tell you of the days of high adventure! And take you Inside the Fantasy!”
2020, a year of the future, where a champion is destined to be crowned, showered with earthly treasure, and admired for countless centuries to come. Or, 2020 can signify clarity, often invoked in an infuriating colloquialism about seeing the past clearly from the present, (Told yeah that you shouldn’t have eaten that many mushrooms.) Hindsight is always 2020! I’m wiggin out!
But HERE we are, fleshy containers of immortal energy, at the cusp of the 2019-2020 Liga season, looking back at the past to preview the future. Who will emerge from the fog of my mind to sit on top of the make-believe Mountain? It is I, you’re humble servant, Johnny Bluegrass (The Special One), who will use his three-eyed crow to look into his crystal ball and foresee with 2020 vision…a bicycle, at the Alamo…in the basement…And we are all going on a big adventure! (Take some of these mushrooms, they’re next level).
Let’s start this Preview off by dividing everybody up into units:
D-Squad: If we had a D-Liga, these teams would be in it.
Panic at the Pitch: The Senior Herrington Brother, plays fantasy like a Senior citizen plays Fortnite…they don’t normally play, but when they do, they are terrible, don’t understand anything, forget why they wanted to play in the first place, and 30 weeks later, have to be reminded where their wallet is. Randy should change his team’s name to Panic at the Keyboard. He will be a ghost by week 5, but if not, would there really be a difference?
Psimer Team (Probably the cleverest name): Mr. Psimer owes a hundred dollars to last year’s champion. If he enters that Liga code again, he will owe a hundred dollars to this year’s champion…It’s just that simple. He did have an insanely hot start two or three years ago, when he was like 200 in the world. Its been an ice age since then.
GetYourPoopTogether: This will be the last year of Liga cleaning up Mr. Rich’s shit. He is in the toilet with Liga officials after ghosting for the second year in a row. And he might as well be a ghost gameweek 1, for the old champion is long been deceased. I’m not ashamed to admit that a few tears are currently lubricating my keystrokes, BECAUSE it breaks my heart and fingers to type these words…Diego is a D-Liga-er and GetYourPoopTogether is a turd.
The Pretenders: These teams are the equivalent of Fly-over America…like Iowa, or a Dokata…you’re pretty sure they suck, or at the very least, very boring and predictable.
Muchados: Did we just get our first Sardar on the list? Former Liga Champion Sardar? You read that correctly…Faris is Kansas. For too long, Mr. Sardar has distanced himself from the Top Six of Liga, contented to remain aloof, heavenly influenced by sinister outside forces. He is like Donald Trump, in that, yeah he won, but it wasn’t popular, and there was a lot of speculation that he colluded with Putin (Jeff).
Red Cards: “They’re going to respect me now!” Mr. Monjure is like Cuban Gooding Jr.’s character in the movie Radio. Remember when Johnny, at the end of the movie, gives Radio his letterman jacket as a sign of respect? Johnny is like Liga…we respect Radio for not ratting us out to Coach Jones for pressuring Radio to go into the girls bathroom. But does Johnny really respect Radio? Enough to give him our letterman jacket, so Radio can pretend to be a part of the team…though he is clearly not. (I’m either going to hell, or being chipped for this.) Radio!
Crotch Rashford: If only Mr. Cooper could pick a team as good as he does his team’s name? His fantasy prospects are about as good as a crotch rash, no Bueno. Sometimes Liga Managers forget to set their team up before a gameweek. If that happens, and you’re playing Mr. Cooper’s team, rest easy and go back to what you were doing. You’ve got the W!
HatersGonnaHate: If you had told me in January that Jeff’s Haters was gonna to make a run from the bottom of the table, to finish mid-table, I would have been surprised. If you told me that he would also be married, I would have fainted (…she must be a Saint). It’s a good thing he did get married, cause his wife’s Instagram is the only way to see him these days. He says that he’s been putting in the research this year, and he’ll be back in Banner Bay. But like bachelorhood, that ship has sailed. The best we can hope for is another targeting incident (he’s coming for you Boyle), or a thrilling run up to the middle. #Hatersgonnaeight
The Contenders: This group is like Rocky…in the original Rocky…They fight well, but lose in the end, and use their faces to block.
Bissaka-Flocka Flame: Mr. Vance started his fantasy career as a D-Liga-er. When facing his team, you used to be able to make multiple trades, risky Captain plays, or do nothing at all with your team, it was like Christmas, it was Great! (Thankfully Diego and Randy still play Santa and Mrs. Claus.) Then Mr. Vance moved into the Pretender category last year, he made some good trades, he made some bad trades, but in the end, he was decent enough to make you think he was getting it. If Mr. Vance does indeed “have it,” as Inside the Fantasy predicts, then Liga should watch out. If not, then its time to do some shopping during the holiday season!
TBD: Last year, Mr. Sardar replaced his brother as the best Sardar brother, and won a Liga title. Not a bad year. Can he repeat? No. Will he be competitive? A resounding maybe. TBD is the tops among the Hater’s contingent, which certainly raises his profile. You see, Inside the Fantasy’s theory on TBD success is this…the Old Guard has been playing fantasy for over a decade. When the Old Guard clashes, the rivalries, the hatred, tend to boil up into underhanded text messages and memes. The Old Guard will then eat themselves, hurting their chances for banners (see Ken). Mr. Sardar has not been noticed by the Old Guard, and therefore had an easy run last year…Nobody went after him until he was too far ahead…(happened with Boyle too, but…guess seven games wasn’t enough) Mr. Sardar won’t go unnoticed by the Old Guard this year, but sadly, it is up to his own contingent to flame their own intra-group rivalries, and not give him a pass like they did last year.
MLS Fantasy Champ: The GOAT just a contender? Something does feel off about that, but then again, it feels right too. Sure, Tiger can still compete, win the masters, but he could also suffer horrendous back spasms too. Brian is still the GOAT, however, it maybe time to put him out to pasture, after all he is breeding now. Beating Brian is still a great achievement, even if it’s like more like beating your Dad, with his bad back, at basketball.
The Banner Boys: This collection of misfits, have the best chance to hang another Banner in their imaginary rafters.
No Pukki No Party: (you are reading this correctly, Mark Boyle is among the favorites.) January 1, 2018, Mr. Boyle was seven games up in the Table, seemingly untouchable. By the time 2019 rolled around, he had been touched some many times, the Catholic church had to shell out millions of dollars. Since that fateful New Years day, Mr. Boyle has been easier to beat, than my six year old nephew…playing fantasy EPL. But there is a fire burning somewhere in that shell of a manager, that wants to ignite the Liga, and burn the whole thing down. (Why is Jeff wearing a fireman’s hat?)
The Special One: Banners in 3 out 4 Liga years, is it so hard to believe that the Special One is in this group? Simple answer, No. Is he a clear favorite? He’s not a clear favorite, just one amongst a few, (I don’t dare say yes in order to not seemed bias…but clearly I am the favorite). What cannot be argued is that The Special One was the most exciting manger of last year. Who could forget the epic chip game against Boyle, a season sweep of our aforementioned champion TBD, back to back wins against Brian and Pat Cain, another series win against Arch Rival Haters, the Vardy triple Cap against Ken, and the epic chip game against Boyle 2? His shoot from the hip attitude will win him glory, if not the Liga.
Aubamecare: Mr. Cain moved to Brisbe AZ. He will not be reading this, and if he did, he would not care. He probably wouldn’t realize that the only reason that I am even taking the exhaustive amount of time to write Inside the Fantasy, is for attention, from friends and acquaintances, who like me, have nothing better to do with their time and friendships, then to write silly fantastical sports previews. So for all of us reading this, we know what the Wizard can do, and nobody wants to see Aubamecare in the upcoming fixtures. (Ask Jeff. He’s 1-3-102 against him)
And now, finally, Inside the Fantasy’s Favorite to Win the coveted bracelet (order the damn bracelets Commissioner Herrington).
Downing Young Boys: Fletchernomics was firing all season last year! Mr. Fletcher won the Golden Boot, that only the Wizard could sniff. His Captains’ Picks were spot on, leaving Liga’s Phil Helmuth, Jeff Herrington, flummoxed. He should have Bannered last year, if not for all the other managers head hunting the top predator. (Vardy Party). He is a Vegan. (not sure what that has to do with fantasy, but I feel this fact should always be stated in any context. If anything, it shows he’s making good choices now.) Some may ask, why did Inside the Fantasy make him our favorite? Because, we need to all go after him, use our chips, and not let him have any of our money. (use your fucking chips against him!)
Recapping: Our Preseason Rankings
- Downing Young Boys
- Aubamecare
- The Special One
- No Pukki No Party
- MLS Fantasy Champ
- TBD
- Bissaka-Flocka Flame
- HaterGonnaHate
- Red Cards
- Crotch Rashford
- Muchados
- GetyourPoopTogether
- John Psimer’s Team
- Panic at the Pitch
Good Luck this year Gentleman! May the odds forever be in your favor…
bluegrass superliga 